A Sirius Talk
by justanothermuggle
Summary: During Christmas holidays Sirius carries out a promise he gave James: giving Harry The Talk. What Sirius doesn't know is that Harry is very eager to learn, since he recently has snogged Cho.


_**A/N **This story may seem to suffer from an overdose of testosterone. Let me just point out that there's no intention to be derogatory to either girls or boys. I hope you'll find this little one-shot amusing._

_I want to thank **theelderwand **and **siledubhghlase ****(aka ghostchicken) **for their invaluable help. They've read my drafts and offered their suggestions to this story. It's been really helpful to have both a man and a woman offering their input._

**A Sirius Talk**

It was Boxing Day 1995 and Harry lay in his bedroom at 12 Grimmauld Place, reading his Transfiguration book in a futile attempt to get started on Professor McGonagall's homework. He had begun to believe that it was an exercise in frustration when Sirius interrupted him.

"Um Harry..." Sirius said with an uncharacteristic uncertainty in his voice.

"What's up," Harry asked, looking up from his book.

Sirius entered nervously as Harry closed the book. "Is this a bad time," Sirius asked, eyeing the book in Harry's lap.

"Hey, anything over homework. I thought you of all people could agree on that," Harry grinned.

"Of course," Sirius grinned in return as he sat in the armchair opposite Harry.

"Actually, Harry, you're 15 now and I did give your dad a promise...to talk to you...about certain things...concerning girls," Sirius started with a smirk. _No reason I can't have a little fun with him in the process._

"Uh-huh," Harry replied. _Bloody hell, is he going to give me _The Talk_? And I haven't told him about snogging Cho... Oh, there's no way I'm making this easy on him!_

"You _are_ interested in girls, right," Sirius asked. _If I can get him to blush at the start I've got him._

Harry looked at him inquisitively. "What?" _What's he playing at now?_

"Hey, there are all sorts out there...and whatever makes two...or a bunch of people...happy as long as it's voluntary it's fine by me," Sirius said defensively, working his way toward the intended subject for _The Talk._ "Queer, bi, those who prefer the coldness of a vampire..."

_Vampires?_ Harry snorted in disgust "Well, stop it right there...I like girls...in fact..."

_Got him!_ Sirius thought with glee.

Harry realised he'd said too much. Yes, he'd snogged Cho, if _snog_ actually applied in this case...and it was only once.

"Now kiddo, I believe there's something you haven't told me. Have you made me proud? Tell me, make my tail wag happily."

"_Siriusly_...you're in human form...and quite honestly, I'm not the least bit interested in making your tail...or anything else of yours...___wag_," Harry replied with a grimace.

"Figuratively speaking," Sirius added with a huge grin.

Harry sighed. Sirius wouldn't let him off the hook until he confessed, and the longer he waited, the greater the risk Sirius would make an attempt to take the Mickey out of him. "Well, if you must know...I think I might possibly have a girlfriend," Harry replied confidently.

"Possibly..." Sirius asked signing for Harry to go on.

"We ended up under the mistletoe and...you know." Harry gestured with his hand as if to indicate rolling.

"Good. That's really good. So let me ask you: what are your plans...and more importantly, who is she," Sirius asked eagerly.

"Cho Chang, Ravenclaw, sixth year, Seeker, and one of the most popular and hottest girls at Hogwarts," Harry answered with a slight blush.

"Wow, you're aiming for the stars, there, Harry," Sirius chuckled. "So, mistletoe. Obviously you've got to kissing then. What next?" Sirius cocked his head as he collected his thoughts. "Oh yes. Do not, I repeat: _do not_, grab her breasts without explicit permission. I learned that one the hard way during an intense snog with an perfectly wonderful Hufflepuff in my year. That turned out to be awkward in the classes we shared."

"Sirius! I have no plans to grab Cho's breasts," Harry huffed and immediately regretted it as he felt the flush rise in his cheeks. _He got me again!_

"Yet..." Sirius interrupted him and turned a bit less _Sirius _and a touch more_serious._ "Look, things can happen and with a few raging hormones and Miss Ravenclaw combined..._wham..._your hands act like they're imperiused."

Harry stared, gob smacked by Sirius' straightforwardness. The Animagus noticed that and wickedly continued. He was on a roll. "Don't tell me you wouldn't ___like_ to grab them," he urged.

Harry was well on his way to a full-on Weasley blush. "You're barking, you know that?" Harry sighed and ran his hands through his hair in a lame attempt to regain some self control, primarily over his facial colour.

"Only in my Animagus form," Sirius grinned. "Harry, it's normal to want to grab them."

"I guess..." Harry admitted.

"See..." Sirius said.

"Excuse me, but aren't these talks supposed to discourage me from taking an interest in girls until I'm at least thirty," Harry asked in a second attempt to gain some control of this sex-talk fencing match.

"Maybe if it's father-son talking. But I'm not your father, and James wouldn't want to deprive you of your right-your _duty_-to sow some wild oats...at least as long as you don't knock some girl up."

"Hold your Hippogriffs..." Harry halted him. "We were at breast-grabbing, or rather how to avoid doing it unintentionally. I think you've skipped a few chapters ahead here."

Sirius sighed, his embarrassment train having been momentarily derailed. Seeing his chance, Harry quickly countered. "So, how _do_ I get from kissing to explicit permission for breast-grabbing," Harry asked with a gleam in his eyes. _That should put him in place._

Sirius realised Harry was challenging him and was again struck by the similarities between Prongs and his Prongslet. _He's good, woof, oh yes he is._

"Oh, generally speaking, put your hands at her waist and when you snog _she'll _move your hands northward...that's a dead giveaway. But be warned: Never ever go for the tummy. Taboo, forbidden..."

Harry wasn't following. "Why's that?"

"Oh boy, rub her tummy and you're in for it. You're toast," Sirius lectured. "See, first thing that happens is that she, the witch she is, will ask you if you like her belly, and that sets the trap. You can say you like it, but then she urges you to be honest with her, that her belly is somewhat spongy."

"But I don't think Cho's tummy's spongy at all. She's a Seeker. In fact, I'd bet she's pretty trim," Harry argued.

Sirius just shook his head and sighed, loudly. "But that's not the point. I have yet to meet a woman who's happy with her tummy. On the other hand, if you _do_ tell her you like it despite some sponginess, you're also toast."

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't." Harry assumed.

"Right. So avoid the tummy at all costs. Very important. Maybe if you're married one day, but for a good snog-don't go there. Ruined a night on the Astronomy Tower for me." Sirius caught his breath after this important warning, and then, with a barely restrained smile he went in for the kill. "Now, once you get permission northward, I have to point out that _grabbing_ is the wrong approach altogether. Be gentle..."

"Uh, all right..." Harry said again feeling a blush rise, allowing Sirius to regain the upper hand.

"Did you ever get hit in the nuts-the family jewels," Sirius asked with a hint of a wince.

"Well, yes. Who hasn't," Harry admitted, also with the hint of a wince.

"Unpleasant, right?"

"Quite."

"So be gentle."

Harry's mind was racing. He needed a counter-attack because right now, Sirius had him cornered and enjoyed it just a little bit too much. "Sirius, at this point, I'll probably have wood! It can't be good to let her notice that at this point. Wouldn't that imply I mean to shag her," _Take that, Snuffles!_

Harry had caught his godfather off-guard with his uncharacteristic bluntness. But much to Harry's dismay, his godfather quickly recovered. The old dog's eyebrows rose and then he smiled. ___Not throwing me off that easily, Pup._

"That little bugger lives a life of his own, doesn't he," Sirius laughed. "Well, during a teenage snog, you may be right. Implications of taking it to the last chapter might be a bad idea. For Muggles it's a problem, but after it happened to me, a girl started giggling hysterically. Then she wondered if it was my wand in my pocket and ruined all snog-related feelings I had for her, so I did some research. There are two handy little spells, ___Erecto_and___Flaccido_. No bloke should snog a bird without them."

"Uh. I think I understand what they do," Harry interjected, hoping to avoid a rather unnecessary explanation. "And Cho is _not_ a _bird_. She's a nice girl."

Despite his temptation to launch into an explanation and ignore his godson's comment, Sirius decided to let Harry of the hook. "I'm sure she is, Pup. You must understand that they're not 100 percent foolproof, but they do help. Let's face it; no _Erecto_ in the world would work around Toad Umbridge."

"Honestly, she's a valid alternative to _Flaccido,_" Harry spat in disgust. "But back to reality, Sirius. I'm not sure Cho's even my girlfriend."

"So we're skipping back to dating then," Sirius assumed.

"The prologue actually: ___Asking-Her-Out-For-A-Date__,_" Harry said.

Harry caught Sirius' honest intention to enlighten him about girls, but not without his godfather trying to make him blush scarlet when he got the chance. Harry really needed an answer to this question; he was content to cease hostilities until he got it.

"How to know if she wants you to ask her out," Sirius asked for clarification.

"Yes," Harry said, rolling his eyes.

Sirius was thoughtful. "She'll crave your attention. It's a witch's only hope, since we're the ones doing the asking-out."

"Why don't ___they_ ask?"

"They don't because that's the way it's always been. _He_ asks _her_ out. Rather stupid really..." Sirius said in afterthought. "And if she craves your attention, just ask her, Harry. Don't go fancy like...Peter..." Sirius paused after spitting out the name. "...well, he wasn't good with girls and tried to do a chivalrous bow as he asked the poor thing out." Sirius started to grin "...and then the fool trips on his robes! To brace himself, his hands went right for her breasts!" Sirius shook his head as he laughed. "Never forget rule number one about breast-grabbing, mate."

"Bugger me," Harry gasped.

Sirius was almost whimsical as he continued. "Madame Pomfrey had a mess after that. The slaps he got were the easy part. Bruise remover fixed that in a jiffy. The multiple jinxes from the intended date and her friends, however, took some doing to fix. You know interfering magic can cause unpredicted effects. James and I took the Mickey out of him once he came back to Gryffindor Tower...a week later...with fading green dots in his face."

"So my next move is to ask her out..." Harry thought out loud. "I mean we _did _snog... Can I snog her again?"

Sirius smiled. "During the date, Potter," he said, calming the younger wizard. "That is unless the opportunity presents itself."

Harry decided it was time to resume hostilities. "Sirius, how many girls have you snogged exactly?"

Sirius didn't know exactly and needed to stall Harry. "Bitches included?"

"That's... You haven't... Ew," Harry almost gagged.

His godfather couldn't contain his laughter. "Sirius 3. Harry 0."

_Damn him, he's good._ Harry thought "On second thought, I don't want to know. Back to...opportunities presenting themselves...?"

"You can always hint your wish for a snog the subtle way by leaning toward her and seeing if you get a response," Sirius enlightened him. "Or a more direct approach might simply involve nodding toward a broom closet. If you go for that, you'd better have a Plan B, though."

"In case she's not keen on snogging in a broom closet," Harry assumed.

"Precisely. Being a Quidditch player helps, though. Saved me more than once. If the Snog-of-the-Week called me a creep, I simply acted innocent and told her the broom closet reminded me to ask if she'd cheer for me in the next match. Worst case scenario: she'd think I was a Bludger Brain and all snogging was off."

"I need another Plan B. The Toad banned me from playing," Harry said dejectedly.

"Oh, but that's brilliant," Sirius exclaimed.

"It's awful," Harry replied a bit annoyed. "Flying is the only time I feel really...free!"

"The ban, yes, it is awful. She ought to be sent off to Azkaban for life for that, but Cho's a Seeker, right? She'll understand how much you miss playing Quidditch. If that doesn't net you a snog, nothing will."

Harry shot a surprised look at Sirius. "You're saying I should make her feel so sorry for me that she'll snog me to cheer me up?"

"Who said that Plan B needs to be good? As long as it delivers a royal snog..."

Harry shook his head in mistrust. "Back to dating. Let's say I ask for a date: what's your advice to get one step closer to the final chapter?"

"Creativity. Any bloke can bring a date to Madam Puddifoot's, pay for everything, and be a gentleman and all that," Sirius explained. "The real art of dating is providing all of that, which she'll expect, but still manage to surprise her in the bargain."

"You're saying she knows exactly what she wants," Harry asked.

"And you have to provide that."

"But it's not enough?"

"Like I said, any bloke can do that, and that makes her just any girl," Sirius further explained. "You know, you need to make her feel like _the_ girl. Unique and special."

"How?"

"Depends totally on the girl-what makes her tick," Sirius said. "But _you_ always have one ace: You're Harry _Bleedin'_ Potter.

"I know I'm Harry Potter," he replied.

"And every witch your age has fantasized about dating you. Trust me," Sirius told him with a knowing smirk.

"So, I make the girl feel special just because I'm Harry _B__leedin'_ Potter?"

"It's very good start," Sirius told him. "Add some flourishes and you're home. Moonlit broom rides over the lake, how the thought of her gave you strength while facing the Dark Tosser...things like that."

Harry looked confused. "But I haven't thought of anyone in particular when I've faced him, I've been too busy dodging Crucios and stunners."

"But _the girl_ doesn't know that..." Sirius sighed with a shake of his head. _Poor boy has so much to learn._ "Look, do you want a good snog or not?"

"Sure, it was rather nice," Harry admitted.

"Another important thing, then. This Cho, Seeker and hottest girl at Hogwarts you say?"

"Yes," Harry added with a blush.

"You know, you have a very high rating, that allows you..."

"_Rating_," Harry interrupted. "What are you on about now?"

"Your rating on the female students' Date-o-Meter," Sirius sighed. "Look, I was considered fairly good-looking and fun, but as Chief Troublemaker I wasn't considered, and here's no pun intended, _serious_, so my rating wasn't much above average. That meant I had to work my way up to a Cho by dating girls ranked just slightly higher than myself, that way adding to my own status."

Harry looked mistrustingly at Sirius. "And how does one know one's, or a girl's _rating_?"

Sirius sighed. "All right. Skip that. We'll cover that in the Dating NEWT class. You're ___The-Boy-Who-Lived_. You can date any girl you want, so aim for the Chos. Got that?"

Harry nodded.

"You also have to consider dating the same witch several times," Sirius continued

"Why is that?" Harry's head spun with all the useful information he had to glean from the bullshit.

"Because after a few dates, she'll appoint herself your girlfriend and trust me, kiddo, many witches would love to be your girlfriend," Sirius assured the boy as if he should already know this.

"But isn't that the whole idea? To date, get together and finally get married," Harry asked.

Sirius shook his head in disbelief. _James, this could take some time. _"Don't you practise before you play your Quidditch matches," Sirius asked and Harry nodded. "Right, then. You just don't date the same girl more than a couple of times unless you want to be her boyfriend."

"Of all the things you've said _that_ actually makes sense," Harry admitted.

"I know whereof I speak, Pup," Sirius said sagely. "Now, I don' t want to discourage you from having a girlfriend because that's the only way to progress to NEWT level, beyond breast-grabbing."

"Beyond?"

"Yes, to _catch the Snitch_ so to speak. And the perfect hint at this is to expose some skin while you're snogging your girlfriend. I'd recommend the inevitable gap between her skirt and blouse. Thighs might work too, but it's riskier. Further away from north and it could be interpreted as an unauthorized attempt to gain access south."

Harry looked confused as he tried to follow Sirius' reasoning.

"You know north from south, don't you," Sirius asked suspiciously.

"Breasts and...___yes_, thank you. I know north and south," Harry huffed. ___I'm not a Firstie, for Merlin's sake. _At this point, he was resigned to having lost the initiative completely.

"Good," Sirius grinned. "So, what you do is establish permanent skin contact and here's why the gap between the blouse and skirt is so helpful. As long as you avoid the tummy, you can accidentally slip a finger or two briefly under her skirt. That can be explained as _in the heat of the snog_ and you won't touch any areas that, at this point, are off-limits."

"All right."

"You also have a fairly unrestricted access to her back," Sirius added. "Just go gently and gain terrain as the snog progresses. Doing this patiently while you enjoy the snog, her blouse will bunch up, and that's uncomfortable, so if she's willing to continue, she'll either take it off or unbutton your shirt to indicate her wish for you to return the favour."

Harry listened intensely, hoping to find an opening in Sirius' offensive to break the initiative. "Bloody hell, this is about trying to understand what girls mean when they do or say one thing but really mean something else?" Harry sighed and ran his hands through his hair again. "Hermione told me about this."

"Tell me about it. It's so annoying. I was slapped one time by a Ravenclaw girl because I misinterpreted _Look, there's the lake_ for _Let's take a walk by the lake and snog each other __senseless. _I took her to the lake and when I kissed her, she slapped me stupid."

"So, it might be a good idea to advance cautiously," Harry asked.

"Yes, definitely," Sirius nodded. "Providing all goes well, you're reaching a critical garment at this point-the bra."

"The bra," Harry repeated. For him, this was largely uncharted territory. _The Bra_ was the last barrier to Nirvana if his dorm mates were to be believed. Seamus often made references to his ability to remove it with a snap of his fingers. Harry shuddered at the thought of Cho's-___stop it, you pervert!_

"Yes, it's a garment designed to cause trouble and I'll bet witches jinx them," Sirius explained, noting Harry's inquisitive and rather flushed face. "Look, you're in a rather hot snog by now and you don't want anything to interrupt the activities. And this is when you stumble upon her bra. What you want is to unhook the bra strap with a swift move. What happens is that you get stuck, fumbling with this ruddy thing and destroying your chances for further advancement."

"It's that bad," Harry asked realising he knew nothing about bras, other than that girls wear them.

Sirius nodded. "Devastating. But I also have the solution," he grinned. "If there ever was a reason to learn wandless and non-verbal magic, bras are it."

Harry now understood what Seamus talked about so often. Was it possible that the scrappy little Irishman could actually do that? He decided to play dumb, though, and look confused. "Why?"

"Because, even if it's less-powerful, a wandless and non-verbal _Alohomora _opens any bra. Master that, and you avoid any potential hiccup." Sirius said with a twinkle in his blue-gray eyes. "The first time I tried it with a Gryffindor in the year below me, she intensified her snogging as her bra opened and whispered that my touch was magical. She couldn't understand how I was able to unhook her bra so gently."

"At least she was right about that. It was magical," Harry interjected with a snort.

"It is now that the witch might inform you that she's _on the potion_, or ___charmed__,_" Sirius continued. "You know about Charms and Potions, right?"

"What the ruddy hell does Professor Flitwick or Snape have to do with this," Harry asked with a surprised look on his face.

Sirius, for the umpteenth time during this talk, sighed heavily and shook his mane of black hair. "Harry, when a girl says she's on the potion or charmed she's referring to the contraceptive ones, and that's your ticket south. Now it's time to get the Quaffle through the ring and score."

Harry's cheeks radiated heat, much to Sirius' pleasure. "Harry, you have to remember one thing: Never do anything you're not certain you want to do, but more importantly, never do anything with a girl unless you're sure _she's_ willing. They deserve our respect." Sirius warned. "Despite the fact that I snogged a lot of girls, a _no_ was always a no, although it sometimes came in the form of a well-deserved slap. Always remember, Pup, that women-witches or otherwise-are not objects to be trifled with. Contrary to traditional Pureblood belief, they are _not_ our playthings or property, but each one of them is a precious gift. They give life to our children and offer us refuge from the storms of life. Never take a woman against her will, Harry, or wheedle your way into her bed. You will regret it, I promise you."

Harry nodded. Although he was never specifically taught about respect for any female, his love for Hermione as a friend told him he'd kill any male who forced himself on her or any other girl or woman in his life-even horse-faced bitchy Aunt Petunia.

"So, do you have any other questions right now," Sirius asked with a new smirk.

Harry shook his head. He really didn't want to think about it anymore. "You win this one Sirius, but, thank you, all right?"

Sirius smiled and gave Harry a manly one-arm hug. "Don't forget to write during the term and tell me how things with Cho, or any other girls, turn out."

"I will, Sirius," Harry promised.___Eat your heart out, you mangy old mutt._


End file.
